If you were to build a bridge, a model airplane or your new home, you’d begin with a blueprint. This blueprint proves useful in many ways. The obvious is the step by step directions, but more than it describes the finished product.

You might be asking yourself what does this have to do with leadership?

Last month I asked a group of local and former business leaders to tell me the characteristics of an ideal leader. Their answers were as follows:

A good listener, enthusiastic, passionate, shows appreciation, a visionary, role model, trusting, integrity, organized, knowledgeable, credible, persuasive, charisma, team builder, clarity of purpose, problem solver, attitude of service, leads by example, patient, willing to act without complete knowledge, understands followers, consistent, empowers other people, and adapts to change.

The Softer Side of Leadership

Notice what the list contains. All of these characteristics relate to the win/win side of leadership then the ‘my way or the highway’ approach. That’s curious because I often hear people minimize this side of leadership with terms like “soft” or “touchy feely.” Actually, applying these characteristics requires more strength than not. By the time you become a senior leader, you’ve already mastered the technical skills.

The Nuance of Language Skills

What may be missing, however, are the nuances and the seemingly simple truths that get lost in the noise around how to run an organization. These are the softer skills, which may look simple, but are deceptively not.
There is nothing simple about empowering people so that the decisions they make and the actions they take are aligned with the overall values and strategy of the organization. It is not easy to remember the importance of rewarding your team continuously with praise and acknowledgement of milestones achieved, especially while you’re steering an organization to an endpoint over the horizon.
As I have found in my own career, and in discussions with global leaders, from well-respected CEOs and board members, new entrepreneurs and executives, leading is less about analytics and decisions, and much more about aligning, motivating, and empowering others to make those decisions. These truths are part of the Elegant Leader of today. Although strategic and practical, they are inspiring and motivational, as the entire organization becomes aligned behind a greater purpose and a grander mission that is bigger than any one individual.

To be a leader is to make others believe weather in challenging times or in calm water that “everything will be okay,” and that together the team will find a way forward. As a leader, you must have confidence in your own ability, but most important in your teams ability. Leadership is a humbling experience, knowing that it’s not about you, as the leader but about what others achieve.

Domination Not Required

Notice what the list excludes. Characteristics such as stern, mean, serious, short tempered, passive aggressive, vindictive, tough, angry, harsh, punitive, controlling, violent, or ruthless. This is telling because many popular representations of leadership emphasize at least one of these “hard” characteristics. I believe these characteristics are the old school philosophy of those who lack the ability or the skills or the willingness to even pay attention to the elegant leaders of today.

Too simply dismiss the men and women who are rising from the black hole of years of silence to now say it’s time for a change from how we run our businesses and this country.

Yup, I said it. The rise of female energy to balance out male energy is upon us. Too much of either one is not healthy or wise.

(FYI- Check out a great program I’ve created to help you see and understand the softer side of leadership in a whole new way- SATORI)

How about you?

How would you rate yourself as a leader compared to the list of progressive characteristics? If you were to survey the people who report to you, how would they describe your leadership? Would they list characteristics from the “soft” list or from the “hard” list? Could you become more effective by improving upon any of the “soft” characteristics? And how about the other leaders in your organization? Do they truly maximize human potential?

People want leaders who treat them with genuine compassion, courtesy, and respect. They want leaders who help them become more successful. They want leaders who inspire them with a vision for a better world and show them how to go there.

Experiential Piece!

I invite you to do a survey on yourself with a few trusted friends.

Ask them ‘what good and not so good qualities do I have as a leader?’ You might be pleasantly surprised by the feedback or have a little work to do. Either way, Knowledge is power.

Communicating from the Heart,

Sharon Kay

I Do Not Play Well With Others! If that’s your motto, I’ve got some bad news. Everything in life is a relationship. The dentist you visit, to the grocery store clerk, a pet or the other cars on the road, there’s an inherent relationship happening all the time.   While there can be many areas to work on in a relationship, such as negotiating conflict, learning how to express needs in a healthy manner, and the basics of how to play fair, an area worth understanding, cultivating and mastering the most is a little thing called empathy.

Empathy Defined

Let’s first define empathy. From Merriam Webster- Empathy is the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions: The ability to share someone else’s feelings. 2 : The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. Empathy learned early in childhood allows for adults who understand the world around them and how to interact with it. Children who aren’t taught empathy can become heartless adults, oblivious to the hurt and pain they create in others.

Why did it end?

What’s the number one reason relationships fail? Emotional needs aren’t being met. So if you’re a man, don’t think working harder, buying more stuff, going on expensive vacations or buying lingerie will fix the problem. If you’re a woman don’t think telling him what to do, acting like a two year old screaming and crying, or giving your best dramatic performance will change him. We all want the same thing here. That is to feel we are seen and being heard.

I’ve discovered a short route to empathy. And I can teach it to you really quickly right now. The more you practice the steps to empathy the better you’ll get at it and the more naturally and easily you’ll be able to step out of your world and into the world of another person. If you want to quickly shift your perception this is one amazing concept you must have in your arsenal.

There are four steps to mastering empathy skills:

Self-Awareness, Listening Skills, Curiosity and Self-Confidence.

Self-Awareness

You only have two places your attention can be. One is on you and the other is on something else or someone else. Do this exercise with me? In a moment I’m going to ask you to close your eyes and focus your attention on yourself. Notice your thoughts, any aches and pains? Are you hungry? Tired? Just notice… Do the exercise now. That was pretty easy right? Now, focus your attention outside of yourself and on someone else. You can do this by slowing down, pausing, making eye contact and listening to someone carefully. You can try putting your full attention on a book or a leaf, anything you want. Notice how you feel inside your body. Worries begin to melt away; social discomfort and performance anxiety no longer exist. Anger and frustration dissolve as a calm and peace roll over you like a beautiful calm wave lapping at the shoreline. Understand that you can only be nervous, worried, or angry and upset if your attention is on yourself.

Now, throughout your day practice intentionally shifting your focus from you, the ego, to outside of yourself and onto someone else or something else. Notice how you start to understand people and your surroundings better. You start asking questions that help you understand where someone is coming from, therefore allowing closeness, harmony and affinity. This one thing is a lifelong building block to ensuring success in your relationships.

Listening Skills

Empathetic people tend not to judge another person but to instead attempt to understand them. Active listening skills, one of many listening skills you need in order to create harmony and peace, starts by one person, probably the one not throwing the temper tantrum, repeating back to the other person what they heard them say. This approach almost instantly stops the madness and starts to calm everyone down. Now you can take some time to listen to what the upset is really about. And you can think clearly! Wow, with no drama going on you can actually start asking yourself some questions too. Like, “what is this person thinking right now? What does this person feel right now? Is her anger towards the time you spend on fantasy football aimed at taking away something you find enjoyable, or is her intention to create more together time? Is his criticism of your inability to find your keys in the morning because the kitchen is still a mess from last night intended to embarrass you or to nurture you into being the best you can be? Taking the time to ask each other better questions based on what the other person just said in a calm way can help you achieve mutual acceptance and start creating workable solutions to the problem.

Curiosity

My cats are the funniest, curious little fur balls around. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat and simply watched Big Bear as he cautiously maneuvers around outside, looking, sniffing, jumping, rubbing up against everything and anything in his path. If we human beings would only allow ourselves this luxury, half our problems in communication would be solved. Being curious about what someone else is thinking or feeling or wondering, is what separates the human species from all the rest. No other animal on the planet can directly self-reflect like we can. Curiosity makes us so much more interesting and interested in the world at large. Curiosity enhances the path to empathy. So have a little fun and get curious about what other people are thinking and feeling.

Self-Confidence

When learning to be empathetic, you have to like yourself first. It’s really hard to love and respect another person with all their faults if you don’t like yourself with all your faults. Empathy is about being patient, kind and ready to not always be right. Working on accepting your own life will prepare you for understanding others.

In our fast paced society, attention is something we, including me, don’t get enough of. These simple steps will help strengthen your ability to purposely put your attention where you want it, when you want it. As you practice being empathetic, enjoy the additional rewards that follow. Unexpected surprises await around every turn as you take this journey. Yippee Ki Yay my friend!

Communicating from the Heart,

Sharon Kay

One of the most effective skills you can learn in managing and building your business is complimenting and asking questions whenever possible. Sometimes this can be a real challenge, especially if you’re the type of business owner who feels this is too touchy feely or might give your team the wrong idea about you. You want to be seen as strong and in charge, the alpha female or alpha male. But statistics show that the way of the totalitarian is out dated and over. The day of cooperation and collaboration is in.

Who is Columbo?

Columbo was a TV show I watched with my brothers and sister about a dis-shoveled, seemingly disorganized police detective of Italian descent named, Columbo. He was friendly and from the working-class whose trademarks included wearing a rumpled, beige raincoat over his suit, and smoking a cigar. He was consistently underestimated by his suspects, who were initially reassured and distracted by his constant talking then increasingly annoyed by his pestering behavior. Despite his unassuming appearance and apparent absentmindedness, he shrewdly solved all of his cases and secured all evidence needed for a conviction.

Invitation

My invitation to you is to become a shrewd detective who searches for opportunities to give your employees, the suspects, genuine and personalized compliments and appreciation. Here are 4 secrets to help you find these remarkable opportunities

Hidden Talents Anyone?

The days of an employee only being good at the one thing you hired them for is over. Today’s employees have amazing talents and skills. I’m positive you have no idea where else they can contribute to if you don’t put on your detective hat and find out.

Negative Self Talkers

It’s hard to know if someone is really working or if they’re checked out and disconnected.  Interrupting negative self-talk with words of appreciation and acknowledgment help you see more into the true nature of an employee. Be on the lookout for someone who avoids eye contact with you and other employees, maybe they have their head buried in their phone, or they just look like they’re having a bad day. When you deliver  a compliment or ask an interesting question, it’s fun to watch the surprise on their face and see them come to life as they surge with confidence telling you all about a topic they know well.

The Experience Of An Attitude Adjustment

The healing power of giving genuine compliments and appreciation will show up in ways you can’t even image yet. The ripple effect at its best. The experiential piece here is to create an operative practice to remind yourself to pay someone a compliment whenever you see something that strikes you in a positive way. Instead of just thinking it, create that practice so you get present and in the moment and share it with the person!

Smoke Out The Jealous With a Friendlier Game

Being a detective is one of the best ways I know to deal with comparison and jealousy in the work place.  As the boss it can seem harmless to point out the good things one employee does over another or create competition between different divisions; it’s this type of “friendly competition” that only succeeds in creating envy. Friendly competition between divisions works best when the group as a whole is working on the same project but different parts. Start genuinely complimenting and asking better questions of your employees if you’re looking to gel. When the CEO gets in the game and is the example, people will follow. Lead by example and be present in the now. By creating that good vibe in the work place you let others recognize their own unique beauty, worth and gifts.

Conclusion

The trade mark of Columbo was not only his formidable eye for detail and relentless dedicated approach, (which was apparent to the viewer but only became clear to the suspect late in the story line), but in a cool twist to storytelling, the plot revolved around how a suspect, whose identity is already known to the audience will finally be caught and exposed (which the show’s writers called a “howcatchem”, rather than a “whodunit”).

Perhaps you could seek out the suspects in your office and expose them for the good guys they truly are.

Communicating from the heart,

Sharon Kay

I’m reminded of the Song by Neil Sadaka, “Breakin up is Hard to Do,” when it comes to relationships, maturing and growing a business. I see it very clearly with my clients; Your business grows when you grow. That said, it’s not easy, but it is possible.

All Grown UP

As a child I eagerly wanted to show everyone how grown up I was. I was in such a hurry because I knew for certain that my “happily ever after” was waiting for me out there somewhere, I simply had to be old enough for it to show it. I learned the hard way that my life’s final destination was not a fixed point in time but that my life is a series of destinations, mere stops on a long journey filled with rolling hills one minute, steep terrain the next and easy walking paths later on. I had a narrow view point which got in my way of seeing all the possibilities in front of me. I had such resistance shifting from single chick to spouse, spouse to parent, employee to business owner, married to widowed, and local, big fish in a little pond to newcomer and outsider.

A 360 View

Sometimes you have to take a full 360 view around what you’re resisting, what the obstacle, or complaint is to fully understand it. I realize this can be difficult and yes, annoying! But it can also show you, as it did me, secrets about the obstacle that you couldn’t have learned by simply seeing from your own view point, your own perspective. But as soon as you breakthrough the limitation of your perception, and you experience that moment of SATORI you start to grow with love, maturity and appreciation.

Harvard and Another Study

A Harvard study suggests that 90% of your long-term happiness and success is predicted not by the external world, but by the way your brain processes the world.

I found a way to help me navigate through transitions, saying goodbye to old worn out roles and welcoming new ones. I hit many obstacles and road blocks to my maturation, I was resistant, stubborn at first; I, like you, love pleasure and hate pain. So I made a game out of these seemingly endless transitions by putting together celebratory events, ceremonies, if you will, to help me shift my focus and embrace new adventures.

Game Time

Here’s your chance to create an experiential piece. When you find yourself in one of life’s transitions, makeup a game or event or ceremony. Have fun, laugh, or cry, invite close friends or none at all. It’s your gig; give yourself the freedom to play any way you want to.

Start Backwards:

If you feel weird or awkward and can’t get started, try this exercise.

1. Create a timeline on a piece of paper.
2. Work your way backwards starting with the end result
3. party name, date, and time
4. Before that happens where is it going to be?
5. Before that, who is going to be there?
6. Will you have food and beverages?

As you can see there can be as many or as few steps as you like. It’s up to you!

Theater and the Bright Lights

I love acting, having studied and performed for many years, and like actors on a stage I’m reminded of being an actor on the stage of my own life.  My different roles are simply costumes that I inhabit for a time and then take off once the run is over. As John Ortberg states so eloquently in his book “When the game is over it all goes back in the box,” the run can be a day, a week, a month or years, but inevitably, the show will come to a close. Each role I play gives me another perspective through which to understand myself and the nature of the universe.

Bring the child within you to the surface, and allow yourself the opportunity to play, laugh, cry, sing and dance as you transition from one role to the next.

Thought you might like tohar the song that inspired this article. From Rick Shaw’s Saturday Hop, straight from 1966- Neil Sadaka- Breakin up is Hard to Do

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbad22CKlB4

Communicating from the heart,

Sharon Kay

Effective communication is a vital tool for a successful business and personal life. Being able to articulate clearly, and to present and share ideas with others is extremely important.  All too often listening becomes the afterthought because we are too busy in our heads- The playground- to actually tune in and hear what the other person is saying.

Here are 7 golden  keys to help you slow down and listen

Are you talking At Me or To Me?

All too often we are far more enthusiastic about talking than we are listening.  Yet listening is vital if we are to communicate effectively.  Most break downs in relationships are caused because people talk at each other not to each other. How does such a little word cause so much damage?!

When we are actively listened to we feel valued and are far more likely to engage in negotiation and compromise.

Listening is about far more than words.  Watching facial expression and body language is often a far more accurate barometer of what’s going on than the words that are being used. An example is you hearing nice things being said but the smile doesn’t reach the eyes.

Make Eye Contact – Then Relax

Read the body language of the talker.  Are they relaxed, anxious, angry? Extremes are easy to recognize but often the message is much more subtle.

Mirror the talker’s body language

Subtle and small motions here work best. This is a gentle dance rather than a caricature. Show that you are listening by a nod or ask a better question, or ask them to clarify if you are not clear about their meaning such as, ‘So what you are saying is……….’

Ask a better question

Start with who, what, where, or when. This will help you to form a question. Be careful of the tone of your voice when you respond or ask questions.  It is all too easy to come across as judgmental or as an interrogator from the Spanish Inquisition if you’re not present and in the moment.

Be Empathetic

If you feel sad when the person with whom you are talking expresses sadness, joyful when she expresses joy, fearful when she describes her fears—and convey those feelings through your facial expressions and words—then your effectiveness as a listener is assured. Empathy is the heart and soul of good listening.

To experience empathy, you have to put yourself in the other person’s place and allow yourself to feel what it is like to be her/him at that moment. This is not an easy thing to do. It takes energy and concentration. But it is a generous and helpful thing to do, and it facilitates communication like nothing else does. Acknowledge the person by saying- ‘oh I’m sorry to hear that.’ Be careful not to fall into the trap of going into anecdotes from your experience, though.  Say “I get the feeling that you’re upset, how I can help?’ rather than “Oh I know how you feel because the same thing happened to me! But wow mine was bigger, more difficult etc.’

Take a genuine interest

If you’re simply going through the motions the lack of sincerity will be obvious to others.  Leave your ego behind and have your full attention on the other person.

Don’t interrupt or offer solutions

When I was growing up I was taught that it’s rude to interrupt. I’m not sure that message is getting across anymore! Certainly the opposite is being modeled on the majority of talk shows and reality programs, where loud, aggressive, in-your-face behavior is condoned, if not encouraged.

Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:

• “I’m more important than you are.”
• “What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant.”
• “I don’t really care what you think.”
• “I don’t have time for your opinion.”
• “This isn’t a conversation, it’s a contest, and I’m going to win.”

We all think and speak at different rates. If you are a quick thinker and an agile talker, the burden is on you to relax your pace for the slower, more thoughtful communicator—or for the employee who has trouble expressing himself.

When listening to someone talk about a problem, refrain from suggesting solutions. Most of us don’t want your advice anyway! If we do, we’ll ask for it. Most of us prefer to figure out our own solutions. We need you to listen and help us do that. Somewhere way down the line, if you are absolutely bursting with a brilliant solution, at least get the speaker’s permission. Ask, “Would you like to hear my ideas?”

Communication from the heart,

Sharon Kay

Have you noticed when you’re in the throes of trying to make a decision it’s often harder than dealing with what will happen after the decision is made? Why is that? Could it be that some part of us thinks if we decide one thing, we’re going to lose or miss out on something else? Most people move on choices and hesitate on decisions. Logically, they’re the same thing. Emotionally, they’re very different. A decision is often looked at as an unpleasant thing we have to do. A choice is usually seen as moving toward the better of multiple options.

Put another way, a choice feels like exercising a preference. A decision often feels like excluding one or more options. This is a subtle distinction between your heart and your head. Coming from your heart tends to create a mindset of choosing that doesn’t bring up feelings of decision resistance. Your head on the other hand is analytic, fast and calculated. Important, yes, and being aware of the difference is key to succeeding in business, life and love.

A lesson in Psychology 101

It’s necessary to understand the psychological factors to deepen your awareness as to why you do what you do and have the ability to change course if necessary. Stop for a moment and notice how you feel inside when you think you have to decide something. Go on, do it now… Remember this is experiential learning! Does it feel different from how you feel when you get to choose something?

Let’s look up the definitions of the words DECIDE and CHOICE. My analytical friends are so proud of me right now! So the root word of decision: DECIDE. It contains the Latin root of “cide” which means to “cut down or kill.” Suicide, genocide, homicide, pesticide, etc. You get the picture. Because the words we think and say have a lot of meaning to us, on a subconscious level- Neuro-Science and The Secret collide- Many of us experience at a subconscious level a lot more angst and inner conflict when we use the word decision. Our limiting belief system from the past or as I like to say “BS” from the past rears its ugly head and say, Wait!! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

The B.S. Factor

Decision

When we feel that we have to decide something, LBS, or as I like to say Limiting Bull shit from our past creates anxiety in the moment creating internal conflict. We often buy into the BS that if we decide one thing, we will lose something else instead of seeing the bigger picture. Or any number of scenarios’s dealing with the loss of something “if I decide on that, then I lose out on x.”

Choice

A choice on the other hand creates a sense of freedom. Hence the bigger picture. CHOICE: The act of choosing; selection. The power, right, or liberty to choose; option. Haaaa… Now say it with me… Choice… How does it make you feel? When you CHOOSE or make a CHOICE instead of DECIDE or make a DECISION, notice what happens in your body. We truly have forgotten to slow down and let our intuition play a part in our daily lives and our businesses. Say “I CHOOSE” and immediately you get a sense of freedom. Your subconscious is at rest, peaceful and open. Paying attention to the words we use in our daily communications with others, no matter how slight, makes a huge difference in how it is heard and received as well as how we feel about it.

You got the skills baby!

Aside from raising the level of your skills at communication, an added benefit is realizing that there is no such thing as a wrong choice, there is only the choice we make in the moment; and the next moment and the next.

Communicating from the heart,

Sharon Kay

Hi there mighty entrepreneurial sister… Here’s a quick, down and dirty check list to gather more confidence at any moment.

My top 15 are:

1. Think about someone who is confident and act, talk and walk like him or her. Model their mannerisms and behavior. It works for them; it will work for you.

2. Smile a lot more. That doesn’t mean putting a silly grin on your face! But smile when you talk with your employees or walk down the street. Do this even if you’re not feeling that way.

3. Learn from the past; don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s gone; it’s never coming back. Instead learn from it for next time.

4. Get prepared! Are you prepared enough to meet any challenge that may come up? Are you prepared for that meeting, that presentation, that job interview, when you meet someone for the first time? If not, get to it!

5. Play to your strengths. Know what you’re good at and expose yourself to these opportunities as often as possible.

6. Learn how to say no to people. Don’t be afraid, you’ve got nothing to be afraid of. Come from a place of love and watch the reaction on their face after you’ve said it the first time and there’ll be no going back.

7. Be aware. Practice being present in this moment right now!!

8. Be in charge of your thoughts at all times. What is a thought you ask? Well, it’s just a question that you’ve asked yourself and the thought is you’re answer. If you allow yourself to change the way you think, change the way you look at things, perceive things or recognize things or people, the things and people you look at will, by default change.

9. Do you let the words of others affect you? Do you mind what they think of you? Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. It’s not what they say to you that’s the problem, it’s what you say to yourself after they have stopped talking, that’s the problem. See # 8

10. List the words that you use on a consistent basis when you feel let down or annoyed. People use different words to mean the same thing and depending upon the intensity of the word – this will have an effect on your confidence. Instead of saying “I’m enraged about this” say, “I’m a little annoyed”. Make a substitute list for the words that you use. Make sure they’re lower in intensity and then use them. You’ll be surprised with the results.

11. Be appreciative of what you have to be thankful for in your life right now. Who do you love? Who loves you? Who do you help out?

12. Every morning when you’re in the shower, play over in your head the events in the day as though they have already happened and they were a success. Visualize all of the meetings that you had, the people you talked to, the outcomes you had. Visualize success and confidence and it will be so.

13. Emotion is created by motion. Make sure you take breaks and get moving. This creates energy and gets the blood pumping around your body.

14. Learn to brag about yourself. Yes, you heard me! Talk about your achievements and successes more than you currently are.

15. You only live once and you’re on stage now. At any time that you’re blue just ask yourself in 10 or 20 years down the road – will what I’m worrying about really matter?

communicating from the heart,

Sharon Kay

The yellow lens is the “detective” lens.  You wear this lens when you are looking for the cold, hard facts.  This lens helps you draw out the information in a now-threatening way being sure to keep judgments and jumping to conclusions at bay. This is also the lens you wear when you’re weeding out the drama and focusing only on the facts.  The key (as I go more in-depth into in my courses) is asking better questions.

By the way, did you know a SATORI can work easily in virtually any niche, and help you make consistent, recurring sales? Use my easy method to structure and launch SATORI that keeps the office, your home and life balanced and moving in the direction you need. Call Sharon at 702-228-1402 today for your free strategic session.